Our words emit through the same opening with which we ingest sustenance. It is a holy passage. The future progressed through the primordial. The transcendent through the disgustingly elemental. And yet it is one, and it is good.
This is not dissimilar to (at least from the male perspective) the concept of reproduction. Males expel their liquid wastes from the same opening through which they provide their contribution of spermatozoon. The sperm itself is little but an optimistic and random attempt at initiating the creation of life. And the cell itself results not from any but the most carnal of activities. Once the ovum is penetrated, development commences, generally requiring nine months to incubate a healthy specimen, and the end result being only the messiest and fleshy of outcomes.
Yet, from the opening of waste and the crevice of a womb comes forth that which is most capable of learning. First to understand kinetics, and then noise, and then words, and then ideas. Suddenly it is a mind empowered, and even ruminates on the notions of God and eternity. It is from the earth, made from the dust, and raised from the mud, and yet in its very design, destined to become metaphysically enlightened.
This is good.
- - - - - - -
I do not understand the environment within which I have been born. My life has been subject to so much pain and embarrassment and fruitless episodes. I am a collected mess of skin and thoughts. This afternoon I am without any notion of direction, and wonder if my labors are even worth these fleeting moments. Why was I born with such enormous aspirations only to toil in the ordinary?
I do not subscribe to the belief that God finds within the end a justification for the means. Did the lepers cry out in pain as Christ healed them of leprosy? Did the blind man scream in agony as Christ removed his blindness? Healing came without pain. Creation, but in a breath. Whole planets turn without a sound. If only the means to my end could be gentler!
When the creator God saw what It had created, God said that "it was good." God is omniscient. All of creation, existence, the beginning and end laid before God. Still, God called it good.
I struggle to find comfort in this thought.
Starting with the tiniest of atoms, pitted in fatal contests, evolving in a cutthroat system, humans arose as the most capable and clever of species, and God chose them among all of creation to be endowed a gift of revelation.
God must have foreseen all the years of destruction and war. On a micro level, evolution is war. It was built into human nature from the beginning. When God chose humans, God must have seen all the shadows of humanity's darkest desires; every child murdered in Herod's quest to kill Jesus of Nazareth; every Muslim and Jew slaughtered at the hands of greatly misled crusaders.
But God said "it was good!"
I was recently told that one cannot possess faith without hope. But I have long struggled to have faith, and only now am losing hope.
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Good Mourning
I don't know if it's legal to write two posts in one day, but seeing as this is my blog, I'm going to do what I want to do.
And technically, it's the next day anyways.
Three days ago I had a conversation with someone that has meant a lot to me for a very long time, and that person told me something I had wanted to hear from her for too long indeed. Amidst the relief and the sadness, I finally broke down and released my grief and anguish from the loss of my experiences with her; the companionship we had shared; and the plans we had made for the future.
There was definite loss, but I would not have realized that loss without the perspective of Dan, my counselor. Until Dan and I talked yesterday, I had not fully acknowledged my grieving as progressive. As it goes with every ended romantic relationship, it is a terrible struggle discerning between feelings of loss and mourning, and feelings of missing and wishing to return.
It is as hazy as close platonic friends, who have a tendency to mistake the bond of caring affectionately for one another with that of romantic love. They can seem similar, but confusion can be fatal. And if one returns to a broken relationship thinking that what they're mourning for can be obtained in new immersion, only the problems of the original mistakes await him.
But what about when I spend time with my other, and we really seem to click? Does that mean it's better? Yes and no. The relationship itself is in an altered state, and you may find that your needs are finally starting to be met by your significant other. But what that really points to is not that it's time to go back. It more likely means that you two compliment each other much better as friends, and are in fact more capable for positive interaction without the romantic side of things.
From what I understood from Dan, however, that doesn't mean I should go and attempt a close friendship with her. But it does bring light into why, when we interact now, it feels much better than it used to. As far as romance is concerned, I must look forward, and search for someone who's strengths compliment my own. And that's not even most immediate. Before I do that, I need to make some friends.
And technically, it's the next day anyways.
Three days ago I had a conversation with someone that has meant a lot to me for a very long time, and that person told me something I had wanted to hear from her for too long indeed. Amidst the relief and the sadness, I finally broke down and released my grief and anguish from the loss of my experiences with her; the companionship we had shared; and the plans we had made for the future.
There was definite loss, but I would not have realized that loss without the perspective of Dan, my counselor. Until Dan and I talked yesterday, I had not fully acknowledged my grieving as progressive. As it goes with every ended romantic relationship, it is a terrible struggle discerning between feelings of loss and mourning, and feelings of missing and wishing to return.
It is as hazy as close platonic friends, who have a tendency to mistake the bond of caring affectionately for one another with that of romantic love. They can seem similar, but confusion can be fatal. And if one returns to a broken relationship thinking that what they're mourning for can be obtained in new immersion, only the problems of the original mistakes await him.
But what about when I spend time with my other, and we really seem to click? Does that mean it's better? Yes and no. The relationship itself is in an altered state, and you may find that your needs are finally starting to be met by your significant other. But what that really points to is not that it's time to go back. It more likely means that you two compliment each other much better as friends, and are in fact more capable for positive interaction without the romantic side of things.
From what I understood from Dan, however, that doesn't mean I should go and attempt a close friendship with her. But it does bring light into why, when we interact now, it feels much better than it used to. As far as romance is concerned, I must look forward, and search for someone who's strengths compliment my own. And that's not even most immediate. Before I do that, I need to make some friends.
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