Can You Hold the Sun?

Once there was a little boy by the name of Shadrach (but you can call him Shad, all his friends do). Shad was just around the age of six when he started to have very scary dreams. To keep the bad dreams away, Shad’s mother would tell him a story before he went to bed, and then pray over him, and kiss him on his cheek. The bad dreams went away, and eventually Shad forgot about them.

But one night Shad’s mother decided to go on a date. She told Shad not to worry, but Shad only stomped his feet and rolled his eyes and sulked in his room rather than play with his Legos.

“I’ve hired a babysitter,” Shad’s mother told Shad from the bathroom, “She’s very nice.”

Shad’s mother came into Shad’s bedroom as she put in her left earring.

“Shad,” she said to her son, “I promise you’ll like her. Her name is Alex, and she plays with Legos!”

“What kind of a girl has the name Alex?” Shad complained.

“What kind of a boy has the name Shadrach,” Shadrach’s mother replied. “Shad, please, I really want this. I’ll be back before you know it.”

Shad flicked one of his Lego men across the room without looking up.

Then the doorbell rang and Shadrach’s mother left to answer the door.

“Hey Ms. Tillengull, sorry I’m late,” came a teenage girl’s voice. “Pigsparis Drive was really busy today.”

“No worries,” said Shadrach’s mother. “He’s in his room.”

Then Shadrach’s mother came into Shad’s room and introduced him to Alex. Alex was bright, and cheerful, and really did like Legos. Shadrach’s mother said goodbye, kissing him on the cheek before leaving. Shad quickly forgot all about being sad. He and Alex played Legos and Dinosaurs for hours. Then they each had a bowl of ice cream while they watched the sunset in Shad's backyard. Finally, it was time for Shad to go to bed.

Alex said goodnight and turned off Shad’s light. Shad yawned, closed his eyes, and fell fast asleep.

Suddenly Shad was standing on a dark lawn. Storm clouds burst with lightning out ahead of him. The wind blew his hair and howled in his ears. All of a sudden there was a big, red and yellow circus tent in front of him. The wind ruffled the tent, but the tent wouldn't budge, so Shad went in to take cover from the storm.

Inside though it was dark and the howling of the wind sounded even scarier through the tent's walls. Shad took another step inside and stopped. Something else did the same. He took another step, and something else did as well. And another, and another, and another, until a great, dark, blue bear was right in front of Shad! Shad yelled and screamed, but all the same the bear gobbled him up.

Shad woke up crying. Alex heard his crying and came to see what was wrong.

"I dreamt about a bear, and a storm, and a tent," said Shad, wiping snot on his sleeve.

Alex gave him a big, warm hug.

"Well, I kicked all the bears out of this house, so don't you worry," Alex said. "You think you can go back to sleep?"

"What if the bear is there?" Shad asked.

"Well, is the bear in the tent?"

Shad nodded.

"Well, then, don't go in the tent," said Alex.

Shad said okay, and Alex gave him another big, warm hug before tucking him in for the second time that night.

No sooner was Shad asleep than he found found himself once again on the lawn, next to the tent, and in that mighty storm. Over the wind and the lightning, Shad thought he could just hear the growling of the bear inside the tent.

"I won't go in," Shad shouted at the sky.

But the wind ROARED, and the lightning CRACKED, and the clouds grew darker still. At last, Shad could no longer stay in the storm. He prepared himself, setting his shoulders straight, sticking his chest out, and straightening the frown on his face. But then lightning struck very close to the tent and with a jump and a hollar Shad found himself inside the it. In seconds the blue bear was upon him. Shad awoke with a start and once more started to cry.

Alex came in and comforted him.

"I'm not going to sleep until mom gets home," Shad said, and crossed his arms defiantly.

"Oh you won't, eh," Alex laughed, "She's not getting home for a whole two hours still. You think you can last that long."

Shad knew that he could not.

"Yeah, I can," he said all the same. "I once stayed up for a whole week."

Alex laughed some more.

"Well, if you're going to stay up, you have to stay in your bed. You can read if you want, but you have to stay in your bed. Is that fair?"

Shad nodded, but then asked, "What if I, for some reason, fall asleep, not that I will, but what if? And what if the tent and the storm and the bear are there?"

Alex thought about this. She rested her chin on her thumb and placed her finger over her mouth as she thought. She had dark skin, and thick, but long curls that fell down past her shoulders. And she wore jeans and yellow t-shirt. Shad realized that she was still very much a girl despite her boyish name.

There is a girl sitting on my bed, he thought.

"It seems to me you need something to take into the tent to keep you safe," said Alex. "That way you can tell the bear to stop eating you and behave."

"Like what?"

Alex snapped her fingers.

"Like a light," she said.

"But what if the bear doesn't care about the light?"

Alex looked Shad straight in the eyes, placed a finger on his forehead, and said, "This is your head. If you don't want that bear there, you can make it go away. Just have faith that the light is stronger."

Shad was silent for only a moment. Then he said, "What is faith?"

"Just imagining. Faith is thinking about what doesn't seem real and imagining it is real. You can imagine, can't you?"

"I can imagine," Shad said.

"Then imagine you have the light, just imagine, and you will."

For the third time that night Shad went to bed, tucked in by Alex, the girl. Immediately he was in the open field with the thunder and lightning above him. The storm was FIERCER than ever. The LIGHTNING CRACKED AND WHIPPED across the sky, and the THUNDER BOOMED AND BLASTED in the air. Shad shut his eyes, and found that everything was suddenly silent. He imagined the sun, with red and orange flames licking up from all sides. He imagined holding the sun in the palm of his hand, and then placing it in a flashlight. The sun shone brightly out of the flahslight in a mighty beam. Then Shad opened his eyes. The thunder and lightning started up again, immediately. Shad looked at his hand. In it he held the flashlight.

Shad shone the light into the air. Wherever the beam went the clouds parted revealing magnificent stars above. At one point he found the moon. It winked at him.

"I sent a storm to protect you from the bear," the moon said.

"Thank you moon," Shad replied, "but I must deal with it myself."

The moon lowered itself so that its face stuck out from the clouds which had become much quieter. Even some of the stars pushed the clouds out of the way to get a better view.

Shad turned and walked up the path toward the tent. Something like a whisper rushed through the grass. Shad shone his light into the grass, and there he saw a woman made out of leaves in a small whirlwind. She was the earth.

"We grew you a tent," said the earth, "to capture the bear and protect you from it."

"Thank you," Shad replied, "but now I must deal with it."

And the stars called down, "And we threw the lightning to keep the bear at bay."

"Thank you," Shad replied, "but now, this bear is mine."

Shad pulled open the flap of the tent. Inside it was dark. It smelled like old chocolate and dusty rooms. Somewhere in the dark was the murmur of a growl. Shad took a deep breath and went in.

The bear sat in the ring, facing the door. At first it was only a dark, heaving and growling shadow. Shad remembered his light and shone it towards the bear. The bear rose on its hind legs and roared. Then it looked down. To both the bear's and Shad's surprise, the light shone right through the bear's torso! It was like a light to any other shadow.

The bear's expression changed from fearless to fearful. Shad brought the light up to its head and the head disappeared! Then he brought it down to the feet. The feet were different. The great, furry legs disappeared, but in their place, a blue newt remained. It was small and timid, and looked like it was made out of soft, blue flames.

“Who are you,” Shad asked the newt.

“Me, uh, well,” it looked around, “I thought you knew.”

“You’re my nightmarer,” said Shad.

“I’m not a nightmarer,” the newt said, “I’d never stoop so low as them.”

“You’ve scared me a lot.”

“But, ain’t that what you want?” The newt looked down ashamed. “I mean, me being your imagination and all, I just was doing what I thought you wanted.”

“Well, I don’t and you can get lost now,” Shad said sharply.

The newt winced. Tears watered its eyes and it began to cry.

Shad suddenly remembered what Alex had told him. He touched his forehead.

This is mine, Shad thought. Then he opened the flashlight and pulled out the sun. He walked over to where the newt was curled up and crying on the ground.

“Here,” Shad said, crouching next to the newt and holding the sun up to it. “Can you use this?”

The newt dried its eyes.

“You mean, you’re not mad at me?”

“No,” Shad said, “Sorry I yelled.”

“It’s okay,” said the newt, “I’m sorry I tried to gobble you up.”

The newt stood up on all fours and turned to face the sun. With a quick SNAP! it swallowed the sun the whole. At first nothing happened. Then a bit of dark green rippled through the newt. The newt grew a little. Then there was a rippled of lighter and then even lighter green. The newt grew a little, and a little more. Then there was a greenish yellow that replaced the blue all-together, and the newt was up to Shad’s waist. Shad stepped back as a greenish gold flashed across the newt and it grew tremendously, turning gold where it had been greenish yellow.

The newt got longer, too, stretching and stretching as flashes of color erupted across its body. Then it was yellow, bold and bright like the sun. Ripples of red and orange, purple and blue, and even the occasional green, all constantly splashed across its body, but it had stopped growing.

“Tell me when,” the newt said to Shad, its voice much deeper now.

“When!” Shad laughed. The newt bowed, and Shad bowed back. Then the tent crumbled into the grounds, the clouds left, and the wind blew no more. Earth and the Moon smiled at the newt. They hugged and kissed it and then the three turned to Shad.

“What shall we do now,” asked Earth.

“Yes,” said the Moon, “We have the rest of the night.”

“No more nightmares,” Shad asked, looking at the newt.

“No promises,” the newt said. Then it smiled. “But I’ll do my best.”

Shad noticed that when the newt smiled, its teeth were still a dark blue. Maybe it would give Shad trouble again sometime. Maybe he couldn’t always control it. But for now, Shad knew the trouble was over. They had a whole land of adventures before them, boundless in its sprawl and possibility. At least for the night he could dream in peace.

“Do you like legos?” Shad asked.

Little Wings (and then the evening)

I could hear it call.

It is a frstrating path, the way of gender studies. One must constantly remember that gender differences, or least the perspectives that proclaim gender differences, differ by generation, class, and region. It is important to constantly remain patient and listen. Stay humble and be slow to anger in conversation. Again, listen, and one will hear the differences within each individual and know the unique-or unoriginal-perspectives of each. Then all arguments will be clear, all disputes known. One will see the challenge that can be made with least resistance. Only then can one truly study.

Little Wings (the afternoon arrives)

I heard it flutter.

Be who you are. Be yourself. Give yourself, your real self, and do not fear of losing those that love you. You will never truly feel loved until people can love who you truly are.

Little Wings (at the end of morning)

Another owl caught my eyes.

The microscopic explosions of our atoms are so imitated by the larger world. The grinding particles that fuel the sun and power our very solar system. The pulsing electrons that activate our bodies. The evolution of species and planets, as each out lasts the other. Do these not all stem from conflict? The universe is perpetuated by conflict—both major and minor—and that which survives conflict is that which continues existence. This is a core law of creation. But the human race is no longer required to create conflict in order to survive (though we rarely avoid it); rather, we are obligated to resolve conflict. To continue our existence, humans must now overcome conflict more than ever. To fail is to go extinct. We are without any other choice. How amazingly the grace of God has woven itself into the nature of things. That we grow through conflict and yet survive by forgiveness. Our very nature functions on some level within the boundaries of humility. The fruits of the spirit bring life, and no one lives without the spirit. This is the evidence.

Little Wings (early morning)

I found a couple owls this morning:

One can only rise to the level of his or her interpersonal competence. That is to say, communication is the key.