Scorpions and Snakes?

The fear of the darkness has long been a part of my life, though the concept should not simply feature the phrase "a part," but the word "apart." For my fear derives not just from a lack of light, but one's person being stuck in such an environment alone. To this day, I am terrified of being apart from people, tortured by the concept of a companionless life.

In the midst of a difficult decision which I took upon at the beginning of the summer, I simultaneously felt compelled to flee from a number of relationships. I was never forced away; I retreated, for the quality of those relationships, though good, was not satisfying. It is strange to feel alone in a room of people, and I daresay I would never wish it upon someone else.

The worst of nightmares lived out comes in the form of fleeting companionship. And recently, it has existed in great quantity for me.

My largest complication arose from the quest itself. For, with the retreat from the old, came a search for the new. And yet, perhaps I moved too quickly. Great momentum carried me onward, and though at times I desired to stay, it seemed impossible to do anything save to always keep moving.

Perhaps one day I will find myself traveling at slower speeds, more manageable for escape. But John Mayer is definitely mistaken, this train should stop--or at least slow down. When the speed is too fast, one soon finds himself alone, for no one else can join the journey. I travel alone, but it is not how I wish it to be.

Some friends I have never left. Instead, they have left me. Over this season of searching, the concept of "relationship" has arisen in many forms, and in many guises. Some were what my culture calls one-way; others seasonal; and still others ,what my teacher refers to as practice.

Yet, even now, I am struck by an epiphany. Perhaps I am unsatisfied because I search not just for any friend, but friends who are wise, and share their wisdom in abundance. It is true that being around anyone can help keep my fears at bay. But what would I be if I never searched to put more meaning in my life? Only George Gray knows, his whispered warnings wafting over the cemeteries of Spoon River. I need relationships that will make me better, but not so much out of a bending to pressure, but rather from mild encouragement and beneficent wisdom.

One prominent example is immediately in my mind. In my blundering quest I stumbled upon some of the greatest people with whom I have ever had the pleasure of sharing a moment. The venue most consistently is a house just south of my own, and only a very short walking distance away. Somehow, it is like the hidden garden behind the wall. Something of greatness preserved, and I have only now found it with the luck of a child's curiosity. That is where I have seen healthy friendship, strong and prosperous in its existence, and overflowing in its love. When I am around the people who congregate and live there, these are the fleeting moments when I am filled with thankfulness and satisfaction.

Every day I ask God for many things, but most of all I ask for wisdom. And lo, the living God provides. I ask for meaningful friendships, and there are some literally around the corner. It is strange the places we are given the answers to our prayers, but it is not strange that we are given answers, and beyond answers, what we need and when we most need it. The living God is one that cannot be untangled from daily affairs. There is no reason not to ask for what we need, and there is no reason to expect that we will be given anything less.

"'For everyone who asks, receives; and he who seeks, finds; and to him who knocks, it will be opened. Now suppose one of you fathers is asked by his son for a fish; he will not give his son a snake instead? Or if he is asked for an egg, will not give him a scorpion, will he?'"

-Jesus, Luke 11:10-12